Short Story: The-jack-in-the-box (part 1)

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About this Short Story

Written by
Alex Mcnee


Maria knows that there is something wrong with her little sister, Harriet's Jack-In-The-Box but when she takes the Jack-In-The-Box from Harriet all of Maria's worst nightmares come true...


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From the moment I first saw it I didn't like it. But I didn't have the heart to take it from her. She loved to wind it up and listen to the tuneless music it made. When Jack popped up she would pretend to be frightened even though she was as brave as any grand heroine. I was the scared one. I could never decide what I hated more. Was it the eerie grin and the eyes that followed me about the room? Or maybe it was the manic laughing it made as it jumped up... No... I think it must have been the music. My little sister Harriet got it for Christmas, and for the first three nights the music played without anyone winding it. Back then she was two and I was five so I was too young to realise that this wasn't meant to happen. But that wasn't the part that scared me. It was the THUMP...…

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Paul Davies said "Really like the dark undertones here. Mum's stress levels are well communicated through her dialogue and the relationship between the two sisters works well. Good to see some writing for older readers."
3 months ago
Mags Hill said "Clowns and Jack-in-the-Boxes freak me out, always have and I guess always will. Dont think I should have read this so late at night in the house-on my own!! Brilliant. Now as a real sucker for punishment, I'm going to read Part 2..."
2 years ago
Lynne Hendricks said "Really captures the readers attention and wanting more. I am now going to find the second installment. Loved it!"
2 years ago
Diane Dickson Guest Editor said "Very spooky, what is it about some toys that gets under our skin, my daughter hated dolls when she was a little girl she said that they watched her. The interaction between the two girls was convincing and the perceived unfairness of the mother which you then cleverly explained very well that she was trying to keep her girls happy and protect their future. I think this is a very good start and look forward to part 2 with some trepidation and a stiff brandy."
2 years ago
Diane Dickson Guest Editor replied saying "I am looking forward to the next part. I have written one or two scary things and I have to be honest I didn't think I could do it until I wrote the first one so good luck. I find it helps sometimes to go really over the top and then go back and prune it to something more reasonable. Don't try too hard just let your imagination do it for you. Don't scare yourself though will you!!"
2 years ago
Alex Mcnee replied saying "Ha ha! I have always found it easy to build up to a creepy story but when it gets to when things begin to happen i always seem to ruin it! Thank you very much for the comment Diane. P.S. I had to ask my dad what trepidation meant. He didn't explain it very well but I know what it means know. As for the stiff brandy I'm sure the next part won't be THAT scary. I can't write scary stuff well. It will probably just be a bit creepy. Thanks again"
2 years ago
Debbie Johnson said "I have always thought that this particular toy was creepy. Very good story, gave me chills!"
2 years ago
Alex Mcnee replied saying "Thanks Debbie!!!"
2 years ago
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Adam West Guest Editor said "Very well written. Really glad you used lots of dialogue - brings a story to life. The feeling of injustice felt by Maria, added something, too...good luck with Pt 2"
2 years ago
Alex Mcnee replied saying "It's funny you said that. At school they always say that you shouldn't put too much dialogue in stories and the teachers used to tell me off for it."
2 years ago
Jay Leffew said "The element of fantasy in inanimate objects being 'possessed' has always fired my interest, and this reminded me of a famous story, which I can't remember the title of, and a man obsessed with his possessed, near life-sized puppet clown... really creepy, thanks."
2 years ago
Alex Mcnee replied saying "Thanks for the comment. I love creepy/scary/thrilling stories. I've always wanted to write one but I've never really had the guts to. I want to make it creepy but it can be really difficult to get it just right. I got my inspiration from the clown in the Movie "The Hole" It's one of my favorite films. Thanks again for the Comment. Alex :-)"
2 years ago

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