Short Story: Motel In The Present Tense

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About this Short Story

Written by
Jax Burgoyne

Inspired by a writing exercise (and a couple of motels in America). Most of it is not in the present tense as I'm not very good at that. It's not much longer than this description. Also, it is not physically possible to read the last line out loud as part of a performance (and get the right effect).

  • 481 Words
  • 96% Community Rating

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The air is suffocating in the room. The CO2 and O2 is being crowded by CO. CO pushing in between the spaces till the O2s – O2 and CO2– cannot roll over and can’t breathe.

The family that is crowded into this cheap motel room – have made it cheaper by paying for double occupancy then slipping the children in (Laura talking to the manager and overreacting to his humour while Tara, Jamie-Lynn and Kris-Curtis ran in under Marcus’ arm and dive onto the bed. The manager had seen and Laura had seen he had seen and had faked a Splenda-sweet smile. The manager had known the fakery and hadn’t cared. He was still making money...).

The family that has crowded into this cheap motel room isn’t doing so well now.

The initial feeling of cockroach-success had worn off a little when they took off their soaking clothes – soaked from the walk from their petrol-less car – and hung them over the…

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Hugh Cron said "Hi Jax, they did what they had to and that was the end of them...From desperation to tragedy in very few words. Excellent. All the very best. Hugh"
1 year ago
Jax Burgoyne replied saying "Thank you, Hugh! Really glad you liked it."
1 year ago
Julian Fields said "Frightening. It could happen so easily..."
3 years ago
Jax Burgoyne replied saying "Thanks! And thanks for reading the story! Maybe I can persuade someone to make it into a health warning story...."
3 years ago
David Wardrop said "Very interesting."
4 years ago
Jax Burgoyne replied saying "Thanks David! Was inspired by a motel in Connecticut :)"
4 years ago
Adam West Guest Editor said "Out of kilter, jarring, understated, sparse little episode. I like!...many thanks Adam"
4 years ago
Jax Burgoyne said "Thank you both for your comments, and everyone for reading it!"
4 years ago
This comment has been removed; this user is no longer a member of Shortbread.
Jax Burgoyne replied saying "Oh, I think I should have replied to this - thanks for reading the story. Glad you liked it :)"
4 years ago
Diane Dickson Guest Editor said "How terribly sad this is. Lots of clever word play and a sad but gripping scene. Well done - Diane"
4 years ago
Jax Burgoyne replied saying "Thank you Diane!"
4 years ago

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