Short Story: It Takes A Village… G.o.d…

Short Story: It Takes A Village… G.o.d Part Vi

This piece has not been edited by the ShortbreadStories team.

Four days later, they drove to Jinja where at one of the Jackass` houses, this one in Walukuba, they changed into suits and drove out in a white double-cabin truck with UG plates ending with an E. the plates were real and the vehicle belonged to the Ugandan government, though not the education ministry. It was one of the vehicles from a pool used by ESO operatives when on service within their own country.

“So, where are we headed?” asked Trudy, a little cross. “How do you expect me to set you up technically if I don’t know where we are going or what we shall be doing there?”

“Easy, girl.” The Jackass ignored her for a moment. “Turn left here then straight for six kilometers, and then hang a right.”

Trudy did as she was told. All she knew was that they would not be needing guns on this one, though the Jackass had still put two AKs in the space behind the driver`s seat and two handguns in the glove compartment.

At long last, the other woman spoke to her.

“All right, we are going to a village far away to kick start UPE.”

“What the hell is UPE?” Trudy wanted to know. A boda boda driver cut in front of her, forcing her to break suddenly. She cursed in fluent American-Marinese.

“Welcome to Uganda, my dear marine.”

“Thank you, but that still does not tell me what the hell UPE is,” she seethed.

“I`m not the enemy here, it was the boda guy. Anyhow, UPE is Universal Primary Education.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning all primary school going children can attend school for free.”

“Wow, that`s great!” She seemed to brighten up a little.

Huh, women and little children, the mother instinct!

“It should be, shouldn’t it?”

Trudy waited.

“Teachers don’t teach and parents don’t send their kids to school. So we are going to boost everyone`s morale in that regard. Everything is legal this time, my dear girl.”

“I`m sure it is. My question, though, is: is it lawful?”

“Semantics, my girl.”

Universal Primary Education was the primary equivalent of Universal Secondary Education. It was a program whereby the government footed the bill for fees and scholastic materials, and the parent/guardian fed the kid.

But some parents, relying on Opposition rhetoric that UPE/USE were useless programs the government was using to garner votes, refused to send their children to school. The teachers on their part, mostly slipping through loopholes made by weak Parent/Teacher associations and head teachers, cut classes as often as they could get away with it, instead doing personal businesses and waiting for salaries at the end of the month.

At the Two Mile roundabout, the Jackass pointed straight ahead and Trudy took the Jinja-Kamuli Highway. Forty minutes later on the bumpy and dusty road, they turned right and another forty minutes saw them at small trading center called Bulopa.

Bulopa was a one church town with a smattering of shops, mostly dealing in essentials like kerosene and salt. One or two larger shops dealt in hardware and building materials as many a Ugandan were into permanent housing now that the country was about ninety eight percent peaceful and many believed that violent overthrow of government, or gross misconduct by the armed and security forces was a thing of the distant past.

Like all villages with network coverage, it also had a phone shop and several that sold airtime. The first thing the duo did on arrival was to activate a cell and radio jammer. The second was asking for directions to Bulopa Primary School.

Five minutes later, they were in the deputy headmaster`s office as the headmaster was out of office. Introducing themselves as ministry if education officials, they demanded for the staff roster and school timetable. On receipt of copies of these, they demanded to know the student and staff numbers.

It emerged that BPS had a student population of one thousand four hundred, and a teaching staff of twenty eight. It had four class room blocks, and two administrative ones, built facing each other over an open dirt-packed courtyard that presumably served as parade ground. The Jackass was dismayed to notice there were no trees within the courtyard, which meant that students would be at the mercy of the elements whenever the powers that be decided to address them.

They spent the whole day interviewing staff, both teaching and nonteaching, and students. At about three in the afternoon, the headmaster returned, driving a dusty Japanese job that looked just a little bit less than new.

They now had a lot of pertinent information; the school was run as professionally as one would expect a bunch of crooks to do. The twenty eight teachers were all on paper, and the actual number was closer to ten. The rest were Ghost Teachers.

Ghost Teachers existed only on paper and for purposes of accountability. All the money from the ministry would end up in someone`s pocket, in this case most likely the head teacher. Another important thing was that money was exhorted from parents/guardians to feed the children, who ended up getting only one meal, yet their parents/guardians were assured they were paying for two meals.

Teachers were not always available, most spending their time in the village center, some openly drinking local gin while school age children sold them cooked maize and roasted cassava.

Calling an impromptu parade, the Jackass whispered something to Trudy who went to the vehicle and returned with a long Ankole cattle keeper`s stick. She asked all the named dodgers to step up front on the raised platform in front of the head teacher`s office, including the head and his deputy

She gave them the option of suffering a few strokes of the cane now or resigning and fading out of the system. The latter, she reminded them, would mean no more government jobs and no retirement package. She also assured them she would freeze all their savings.

One by one, they lay down in front of the children they normally subjected this treatment to and took the punishment like teachers. Each one received eight strokes of the cane. Afterwards, the Jackass assured them she would be back in a week, within which time she expected to find a full teaching board and two meals per student per day.

She also told them if she came back to find children of school going age loitering around the village, the parents/guardians of the children, and the teachers in the village, would be equally culpable.

As they were leaving, the head teacher stopped them and handed them a large envelope.

“What`s this?” asked Trudy, who received it.

“Just a small thank you for forgiving us madam,’ panted the head teacher.

The Jackass snatched the envelope from Trudy and told her to drive. Twenty minutes later, she deactivated the jammer, and opened the envelope. It contained three million shillings or just over a thousand dollars.

“You beat up people and they pay you for it?” Trudy was amazed.

“Curious, huh?” laughed Jackline Assimwe. “But why not? I just saved many people their jobs and savings.”

“So why didn`t you let me join the fun?”

“Doing what?”

“Saving their pensions and jobs.”

“Oh, I thought you were my Tech Sup only and couldn’t handle dishing out corporal punishment.”

“That, is snide and actually uncalled for. Setting children on the right path, however distasteful it may appear, is a noble thing to do and I would gladly get behind that. Now that the children have witnessed teachers being beaten for not doing their job, which of them will misbehave?”

“My sentiments exactly.”

There was a long silence for almost half an hour before Trudy Kwaso spoke again. By now they were on their way back, approaching the quarter way mark.

“Do you know why many people got behind the Obama election?”

“Because one letter changed in his name would remind them of Bin Laden?”

The two girls laughed, Trudy despite herself.

“Seriously, girl. It was because white people in America still use the N word. So many of us wanted to put one in the White House, so that as they said it, they knew one is sleeping in the same bed Abraham Lincoln did.”

“And that is relevant to us how?”

“Well, from George Washington to George Bush, all American presidents and vice presidents have been white. Obama is the first nigger in there and every dark skinned guy, and all light skinned people who remorse over their grand or great grandparents riding blacks to work, if not to death, had to get in on the action.”

“Well, I`m not sure I understand you, girl, but I have learned to rely on only one thing in my life,” said Jackline.

“Oh yeah? And what the hell is that?”

“D`you know you say hell a hell of a lot?”

“So?”

“So I believe all shit is G.O.D.”

“Which would be?” in an exasperated tone.

“Guaranteed On Delivery.” And then they burst out laughing again.