Short Story: Dumb Animals

Short Story: Dumb Animals

Newsflash:

“Northbound M1 Traffic was at a standstill today as emergency services dealt with apparent sabotage. An illuminated traffic signal and gantry had been cut down overnight. Two bodies were discovered crushed by the falling sign.”

Nigel & Kevin had been friends since starting infant school on the same day. Their rivalry began immediately as they compared Mickey Mouse rucksacks. It was a friendly sort of rivalry, but always in earnest. For example: they both wanted to be goalie in the school team (Johnny Hargreaves got the nod!); they raced neck and neck in the swimming, desperate to beat each other and avoid coming last. Academically, their parents were evenly matched in Maths & English homework, so their grades were always similar.

But their collections caused the serious rivalry: Model cars, Star Wars figures, Mutant Ninja Turtle memorabilia etc., even Pokemon cards. Their bedrooms became warehouses displaying the current objects of fascination, but with TARDIS-like storage for past collections. (They collected Dr. Who goodies too; moneyboxes threatening extermination with each coin slotted in were irresistible.)

As they grew older (note the avoidance of “matured”) their rivalry grew with them, moulding their choice of university, girls (the only thing which came close to breaking their friendship), cars and careers. But it seemed, once a collector, always a collector.

Their latest craze might not have been the strangest, but neither could think of anything they’d collected that was in the same category. That could be because it was both illegal and immoral, but they didn’t let that stop them.

It all started on holiday, on the lovely island of Fuerteventura in the Canaries. They were driving along the coast road to the windsurfing paradise near Jandia when they came upon a fascinating road sign. It was a standard triangular shaped white warning sign with a red border, with a black silhouette of a camel. “Beware of X-ing camels!” they squealed in harmony. (They thought it cool to say X-ing instead of crossing, a throwback to Star Wars X-wing fighters?)

Next morning, the sign had mysteriously disappeared. By the morning after that, the sign for the opposite direction had gone too. Nigel and Kevin’s paid excess baggage for the return flight.

They began to build their new X-ing collections: kangaroos from Australia, moose and turtles from Canada, ducks and frogs from here at home.The Malawian sign, “Elephants have Right of Way” was borderline, because it was wooden, and “Lions are Dangerous” from Kruger Park wasn’t even a road sign. Their holidays became increasingly exotic as they tracked down ever more obscure signs.

Then, one wet, misty night, they were driving north up an unusually quiet M1 when a traffic information signal ahead lit up:

ANIMALS ON MOTORWAY

DRIVE SLOWLY

Kevin & Nigel looked at one another, smiled, and without a word, pulled over on the hard-shoulder.