Short Story: A Shaggy Crow Story

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About this Short Story

Written by
Nik Eveleigh

The third installment in the epic adventures of the hobbit-hating, feathercloak-festooned legend we know simply as Stormcrow. This time our hero has become so full of himself that he could only be bothered to turn up for the last five hundred words. Next he'll want his own trailer and a bucket of blue Smarties with his Evian. Anyway, while he's inside an unnamed town seeking out an oddly named individual two of his men deliver a history lesson... WARNING: This story contains puns that may be hazardous to your health. And mine. Oh and there's some very minor swearing but I ticked the box just in case. Or at least I will do in a minute because it happens after I finish this synposis. You'll just have to trust me.

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“Will he be long d’ya reckon?”

“How the bloody hell should I know?” The large-headed swarthy guard rolled his eyes and snorted only to have the effect ruined by a migrant rope of snot who, in excitement and glee at having found a hitherto unknown trap door, smacked straight into the guard’s epiglottis. Mucusy dreams of the bright lights of throat town were shattered in the hawk and spit moments that followed, and as he lay dying, drying, against the stump of an ancient oak the plucky little gobbet found solace in the fact that he had, at the very least, had a go.

“Did you say something?”


“That’s what I thought.” The large guard scratched his swarthy head and waited for his larger headed, but no less swarthy companion to stop coughing.

“Poxy cold.”


“Cold,” said swarthylargehead propelling another phlegmy dreamer to his doom. “Been troubling me for weeks it has Ken.”

Ken - or to…

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Hugh Cron said "Hi Nik, this was a lot of fun. The puns were magnificently terrible. The death by soup was an old joke done very well (Frankie Howard influence again?) and the thought of an Orc theme park would probably not cause as much uproar as an Orca one. Regarding the puns. I wonder, did you ever listen to a certain DJ who may or may not be disgraced, the jurys still out...Do a feature called 'The Cringe'. It was a pun of a song within a story? The answer to one was 'True foe Hicks hate moat away' which I thought was brilliant. Oh and by the way I have now finished your back catalogue so I hope you have more in the pipeline. I think Sandy will be next as I have only a couple of his to read. You have all given me so much entertainment doing this. All the very best my friend. Hugh"
4 years ago
Nik Eveleigh Guest Editor replied saying "Yes there were some truly dreadful puns in this one and I am now certain that on some subliminal level I'm channeling Frankie Howard! This all stemmed from a one liner I had in my notes which read "how about a PR company rebranding Mordor". I'm pretty sure I know the DJ you are referring to, I'm not aware of the feature but I can backtrack the pun into the original lyrics and it gave me a laugh! There are very few people on this site who have had the time and patience to comment on all my stories - and without doubt you are the only one who has felt compelled to dig through the archive and catch up on those you have missed. I can't being to tell you how filled with gratitude I am and I will certainly be trying to up my output to keep you on your toes. Thanks once again for the continued support, encouragement and humour - all the very best to you also my friend. Nik"
4 years ago
Tobias Haglund said "Great story and very funny! I love it! I think this one was my favorite. There are loads of puns to be quoted back, all of which was brilliant. I also enjoy a bit of the narrator joking/having a dialogue with the reader. I'm just going to quote one : "complete disregard to the laws of physics governing the width of horses versus the standard arm-span of a fictional, becloaked warrior" Because by this far into the book, a lot of impossible things are already possible in your fictionalized world. Great job once again! I'm really glad you recommended the series! All the very best / Tobias"
4 years ago
Nik Eveleigh Guest Editor replied saying "Thanks again Tobias - I also loved that particular line so it's great to see it being picked out. The first two Stormcrow stories were originally on blog posts and I reworked them for Shortbread - this one was done completely from scratch and was perhaps my favourite to write. I'm sure he will have another outing one day soon... Really appreciate all the kind comments on the whole series. Cheers, Nik"
4 years ago
Adam West Guest Editor said "Refers to notes: I was thinking nazelle pronounced the same as gazelle only with a ger sound at the beginning - so that was my first LOL moment - the post drip gag - there were four in total not to mention several snarks and norts and cous-cous spitting moments, too, in between - the last full blown LOL involved some distant relative of Tarka - talking of furry creatures - you ****! you killed off all the Squirrels! Dontcha know I love those little ****s? I also loved the name play stuff with the single f double n, Nikk - as Dianne would say, I really did (sorry Diane but it always makes me smile when you do that) meanwhile back to Stormcrow land - for me Sir this was a step up even from the first of the series (the second is my least favourite) - it works no doubt for lovers of the world famous trilogy involving Hobbits and Orcs and other sundry annoying made-up creatures which began of course on TV with a Mitchell and Webb sketch lampooning a well known game show, I am of course referring to the legendary Hole In The Ring and those like me who loathe all things fantasy and love to see the piss ripped out it - I am off to Fix-It to purchase more screws for me virtuals. You know Stormcrow feels a bit like Shrek for adults - I think I'll just buzz my agent and see if I can steal the film rights away from you - legally that is - great fun - many thanks, Adam"
4 years ago
Nik Eveleigh Guest Editor replied saying "So multiple LOLs and projectile cous-cous? Job done as far as I'm concerned! I was hoping someone would be led down the gazelle path so it's gratifying to know it worked and that the punchline delivered. I had a lot of fun with this one (could you tell...?) Adamm and despite my soft spot for A Fistful of Feathers I think you may have your Gold, Silver, Bronze rating about correct. I'm having a tough time deciding on which area/style/genre to focus my efforts on right now - I guess the main thing is that I'm enjoying my writing whatever area I tackle. Thanks as always for reading and for the comments - I'm happy to spot you a couple of virtual masonry nails if you really want to get that shelf solid. Cheers, Nik"
4 years ago
Nik Eveleigh Guest Editor said "Thanks Diane - glad this appealed to you gobbets notwithstanding! I had no idea where this was going to go - I just had two guys hanging around waiting for Stormcrow and this is what happened. Great fun this writing lark on occasion :o) I'm sure Stormcrow will return soon... Cheers, Nik"
4 years ago
Diane Dickson Guest Editor said "Oh how I love puns, love em to bits, and daft stories of be-cloaked heroes and large-headed companions. I do have to admit to a bit of a balk at the gobbets but I accepted them with a good grace for the sake of the literature and all that - Loved it - more please. - Diane"
4 years ago
Nik Eveleigh Guest Editor replied saying "Aaaagh...I keep doing the "comment instead of reply" thing at the moment. And so through the power of cut and paste...Thanks Diane - glad this appealed to you gobbets notwithstanding! I had no idea where this was going to go - I just had two guys hanging around waiting for Stormcrow and this is what happened. Great fun this writing lark on occasion :o) I'm sure Stormcrow will return soon... Cheers, Nik""
4 years ago
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Nik Eveleigh Guest Editor replied saying "Thanks Robert (and for the addition to your virtual bookshelf - diolch yn fawr as us Welsh lot say). Stormcrow is a lot of fun to write and I suspect episode three isn't the end of him. I'm relieved that the dreadful nature of the puns has not adversely affected you so far. I've got a working title for the next installment; no actual content or anything like that but when does that stop me... Appreciate the read and the comment as always. Cheers, Nik (p.s. I will see if I can get you a refund - either that or some kind of Stormcrow loyalty card scheme with discounted rates)"
4 years ago

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