Joanne Fitzgerald's Profile
Shortbread › Joanne Fitzgerald › Profile
Joanne's Pages
Connect with Joanne
Products you might like
Joanne Fitzgerald
Joanne appears to be a junior member of the Shortbread community.
| Name: | Joanne Fitzgerald |
| Joined: | 2 years ago |
| Country: | Taiwan, Province Of China |
| Hometown: | Grimsby |
| Life Story: | I don’t protest that I was born to be abnormal. My birth was questionable. First of all, I came out of my mother upside down. Second of all, I was born in Glasgow. Third of all, I was born ginger. The second and third are not abnormal, unless you take into consideration that the rest of my family are all tanned with brown hair and brown eyes. I was born in Scotland, where there are plenty of ginger families. You then begin to question whether I came out of my mother at all. I would be adamant that there had been some sort of baby-switch, if it weren’t for my abnormality. There is only so much insanity you can inherit from nurture – all of which I did manage to inherit from my mother. The rest you have to blame on nature. This can only be blamed on my father. So, growing up with the lunatic maternals, inheriting the weirdo gene from the paternals (plus the throwback ginger gene), and hearing my first ever words in Scottish (99.9% guaranteed to be swear words), it would have been the most abnormal thing in the world for me to have turned out normal. However, if I ever do read the memoirs of a twenty-two year old brown-haired Glaswegian, her memories of growing up with her ginger siblings, forever questioning her paternity, I will be demanding some serious compensation from the NHS. My life would have been the biggest medical fuck up since MRSA. If my writing career doesn’t work out, which it probably won’t, I may pursue compensation as an alternative solution to getting rich. There are many law-suits which could be filed. Although, I don’t know why I say this, because I have no strong desire to become rich. I enjoy all the luxuries of poverty. The soapy message I fingerprint on the bathroom mirror each morning ‘fuck you cold shower, you will not beat me’, carrying bursting carrier bags home from the supermarket, watching my cucumber roll down the rainy street as passengers sitting cosily in the traffic chuckle at my expense, cellotaping the soles of my four pound Primark shoes on before I leave the house each morning, scraping around in the ash tray for that last bit of tobacco to roll a cigarette. All of these things are the luxuries in life which only the poor are lucky enough to experience. Even so, a while ago the man upstairs and I had a little chat. I made a little suggestion. I said, hey, man upstairs, here’s the deal. I’ve spent the majority of my life being poor, and I think it’s only fair that I spend the rest of my life being rich. He didn’t reply, but I waited for a sign that he had listened. I wasn’t sure of what the sign would be. I waited for a rich man to walk into my life and shower me with gifts and money. He never came. Instead, the man upstairs sent me a long line of wankers and peasants, such as the Mole, the Most Handsome Man in the World and the Man in the Hat. I dreamt of a surprise windfall, luck on the lottery perhaps. But I lived a life of bad fortune. Accidents followed me around like a bad smell. I became a symbol of doom and people that knew me crossed the street if they saw me coming. I gave up on the man upstairs and accepted my place on the food chain. The bottom. I thought that if I worked super hard, I might be able to scramble up a few steps. I saved my pennies and travelled. I still had to buy my clothes from Primark and I kept meeting wankers, but I didn’t live in the ghetto so I was happy with that. Then, finally, he sent me a sign. The sign came in three parts. Firstly, it came in the form of the support of other writers, who left feedback on my work & kind words of encouragement. The second was a death threat from a Buddhist nun, not so fucking good, I can assure you. The third was an exploding glass table. However, I feel that I have given you enough information already, and I haven’t even introduced myself yet. Ni hao, Bonjour, Guten Tag, Buenas Dias, Hello. My name is Po Poulain, Nice to meet you. |
| Personal Website: | None. |
| Favourite Authors: | We don't yet know who Joanne's favourite authors are |
| Favourite Stories: | We don't yet know what Joanne's favourite books are |
| Interesting: | Joanne's sign is Capricorn. Joanne has read 0 stories in the last 2 months, listened to 0 and was last seen online 3 months ago. Joanne has contributed 34 stories to Shortbread. |